By Rita Buffington, LCMFT, Counselor
Many of us celebrated Valentine’s Day with our partners, and we hope you were able to enjoy. But this special day also made us think about ways we can improve our relationships with our significant others. Sometimes it’s easy to look at the negative side of things – especially when we’re stressed. So we’d like to offer three simple suggestions on how you can focus on cultivating positivity between you and your partner.
Look For, Create, and Take Small Moments to Connect with Your Partner Daily.
Over coffee in the morning, spend a few minutes discussing your plans for the day before getting the kids off to school and yourselves off to work. When you’re ready to leave, hug and kiss each other goodbye. At the end of the day, take turns over the dinner table to tell each other briefly about the challenges and highlights of your day.
Beyond these efforts, take time to pause from what you are doing if your partner walks in and wants to tell you about something he/she read, an incident at work, etc. Look at them, make eye contact, and express interest.
You can also take a moment to ask about little things you notice that communicate your partner’s mood (e.g., a sigh, excited expression, laughing at something while reading.) Ask: “What’s wrong?” “What’s up? “ “What’s so funny?”
Catch Your Partner Being Good and Express Your Appreciation.
As we mentioned earlier, it’s easy for us to notice what’s missing, wrong, or to find fault. This tendency can snowball to create so much negativity it crowds out our ability to recognize the positives.
If you see your partner taking out the trash without you asking, or if they surprise you with your favorite meal for dinner, say “Thank you!” You can also reciprocate and ask your partner to choose what show to watch on Netflix or take their car for a deep cleaning or run another errand that they would appreciate.
And in general, giving genuine compliments on a regular basis can mean the world to your partner – especially if they are struggling or having a bad day.
Clearly State Your Needs and Preferences in a Positive Manner.
Imagine this: perhaps you have been feeling overwhelmed. You have little time left for relaxing in the evenings because of all the household and/or childcare tasks you do, and you are beginning to resent that your partner seems to be just sitting around.
If you let your frustration grow into resentment based on assumptions that he/she should just know what you need, this is how it may come out: “You never help out. It wouldn’t occur to you that I could use some help around here. You’re so selfish.”
In the above example, you can see the focus is on the partner. Instead, use “I messages” to communicate more effectively.
For example: “I would like for us to have more time to relax together in the evenings. It would really mean a lot to me if, after dinner, you could do the dishes while I help the children with their baths or vice versa. I think this would allow us a little more time to spend together relaxing. Will you help me with this starting tomorrow night?”
In this example, you have clearly verbalized how your partner could help and how doing this will benefit both of you. Remember that no one can read minds, and it’s important to help your partner understand how you are feeling, which will further strengthen your communication with each other and, ultimately, your overall relationship.
We can help your relationships thrive, start today.
