By Stacey Winter, LCMFT, empac CEO
There is a story that all too often plays in your head. It plays over and over, causing you to be down, distracted, and stressed.
“I should have spoken up in that meeting.”
“I should have called her when her mom died.”
“Why did I lose my temper with my kids and husband tonight?”
“I didn’t get the report done on time, and my boss is already irritated. I probably just got myself fired. I can’t do anything right.”
It may be embarrassing to admit the things we say to ourselves and say them out loud, but many of us have been making statements like these to ourselves since we were young. These thoughts are usually critical and unforgiving and do more damage than we realize. With so much suffering and divisiveness in the world, why do we do this to ourselves?
Two of the most impactful books I read last year were about the concept of self-compassion. The research of Drs. Kristin Neff and Chris Germer indicate that self-compassion is one of the most powerful sources of coping we have available to us. The framework and the corresponding resiliency-building activities can radically improve our mental and physical well-being.
Self-compassion can motivate us to achieve our goals. As we begin a new year, many of us are setting goals. It’s my hope that learning more about self-compassion will give you the ability to leave behind the ways of perfectionism, slicing criticism, and merciless judgments that hold us back and hurt us.
Self-compassion is simply referring to treating ourselves as we would our best friend. There are three elements of self-compassion: self-kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness.
- Self-kindness is being warm and understanding to ourselves versus judging when we suffer, fail or feel inadequate.
- Common humanity is reminding ourselves that we are human, and part of that experience is being vulnerable and imperfect. The common humanity is also making mistakes or suffering. We aren’t the only ones, and we don’t have to live in isolation. We aren’t alone.
- Mindfulness is a state of mind that allows us to observe ourselves in a balanced way. We are aware of our emotions, not ignoring them, pressing them down, or letting them sweep us away, and only focused on the negatives.
If you’d like to learn more about self-compassion, go to www.self-compassion.org for books, free downloads, and practice ideas. You can also request a training for your team. Email: empac@empac-eap.com. The more compassion we offer to ourselves, the better we can become at offering compassion to others, and we can all be more happy, healthy, focused, and successful.
