By Deanna Mowery, MS, EAP Intern
Why don’t they just leave? All too often, that is the response when we learn someone is in a domestic violence relationship. It’s simply not that easy. If it were, domestic violence wouldn’t affect millions of people globally.
In fact, according to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence:
- one in four women and one in nine men experience severe intimate partner physical violence, sexual violence, or stalking, leading to significant impacts like injury, fearfulness, or the need for medical services.
- nearly one in two female homicide victims in the U.S. are killed by intimate partners.
Domestic violence cuts across all demographics but is often exacerbated in marginalized communities. Factors like poverty, racial discrimination, and lack of access to resources can make some groups more vulnerable. This month, we wanted to share more about domestic violence and the resources available to get help, as we honor National Domestic Violence Awareness Month.
What is domestic violence?
When we think of domestic violence, we think of pushing, hitting, kicking – physical actions bringing harm to another person. Domestic violence is physical abuse, but it is also emotional abuse, financial abuse, psychological abuse, and sexual abuse.
At its core, domestic violence is power and control. While in some cases, physical violence is present, it rarely starts that way. Power and control are established through subtle and manipulative behaviors that slowly erode a person’s self-worth and independence. Over time, the cyclic pattern of abuse creates an environment of fear and hopelessness – one where the victim is left without choices.
Why is it so difficult for someone to leave an abuser?
So, why don’t they just leave? It’s important to understand that leaving an abusive relationship is often far more difficult than it appears from the outside. Factors like financial dependence, fear of retaliation, social isolation, threats of suicide, emotional manipulation, and the reality of lethality trap victims in a cycle of abuse.
Furthermore, abusers often gaslight their partners, causing them to question their reality and believe that the abuse is somehow their fault.
My background in law enforcement and counseling has allowed me to see domestic violence from a lens most don’t get to experience. I spent several years in investigations, where I was assigned strictly to domestic violence and family crimes. I got to learn and understand the true patterns of power and control.
I watched as children were used as pawns, as phones got used as psychological warfare, and constant humiliation was just another day. I had the honor of helping some survivors leave their relationships and watch them grow and heal. On the other hand, some never made it out, paying the ultimate price.
How to get help
Now, as a counselor, that lens helps me understand the complexity of an abusive relationship, the courage it takes to share your story, and the scars left behind that take patience and understanding to heal.
Therapy is not just about addressing the past – it’s also about building a future. Empowerment is a key theme in this process. We help survivors set boundaries, regain independence, and develop healthy coping mechanisms. These are all critical components of therapy for individuals who have experienced intimate partner violence.
If you or someone you know is dealing with domestic violence, these resources can help:
- Call: 800.799.SAFE (7233)
- Text Start to: 88788
- Go to the National Domestic Violence Hotline website
We are also here for you — trust us and reach out to our experts today.
